Jan. 9, 2009 — Dipping into its minuscule $2.2-million budget, the Wilderness Committee today sent its crack investigative team to England. The mission? To follow up on shocking reports that wind turbines harm extraterrestrials.
“We’ve suspected all along that these horrible contraptions endanger more than just bats,” said WC spokesperson Bwen Garlee. “Now we have proof. They endanger UFOs too.”
That proof comes from none other than England’s Sun newspaper. A Jan. 8 story reports that in Lincolnshire a few days earlier, a UFO crashed into a wind turbine.
Dozens — later hundreds — of witnesses said the crash was preceded by flashing lights and orange-yellow spheres zipping along the east England skies as merrily as a flock of bats. Then, suddenly, on a local wind farm at 4 a.m., there was “an almighty bang.”
Horrified locals realized what happened when they saw the damage. A wind turbine had stopped turning. One of its 65-foot blades hung bent and twisted. Another, mysteriously, was missing.
It has yet to be found.
“I can only assume that some poor traumatized aliens are flying back home with a turbine blade stuck in their spaceship,” said Garlee. “I just hope they get all the therapy they need.”
Garlee added, “For years greedy private power producers have been marginalizing the bat community by portraying them as creepy, rabies-infested flying rodents.
Just imagine what they’ll say about these squishy, smelly, jellowy one-eyed massive amoeba from Mars.”
WC co-spokesperson Foe Joy elaborated. “We’re not against these wind turbines, publicly owned and operated. But we’re being sold downwind to private wind interests. By letting private interests with private infrastructure built with private parts privatize our wind for private privateers we’re privatizing the privateering privation of privacy for privatized privatization,” Joy said.
“And if that isn’t an environmental issue, I don’t know what is.”
One Lincolnshire eyewitness described a “massive ball of light with tentacles going right down to the ground” over the wind farm. “It was huge,” he said. “With the tentacles it looked just like an octopus.”
Gamien Dillis, a respected filmmaker and authority on energy issues, explained the imagery. “The octopus-like tentacles of the biggest heist in Canadian history have kept the public in the dark as the provincial government has been quietly giving away the public’s rivers for free and gets them to finance the facilities and commit to purchase the power from them at exorbitant rates and at the end of that process the private company owns the river rights and the infrastructure and can sell their power to whomever they want for whatever they want — forever.”
That, he added “is the B.C. Energy Plan in a nutshell.”
Well-known raconteur and bon vivant Mafe Rair chimed in with his usual good-natured remarks. “Never mind the octopus, you’re telling me the fish don’t mind that shills for private interests plan to sell 750 rivers to the U.S. just so they can skyrocket rates and desecrate the environment on the cumulative effects while the government is giving corporations hundreds of billions so we can sell our power at a loss when I know the real reason those radio stations won’t hire me is that I speak the undeniable truth so clearly?” he quipped.
COPE 378 president Randy Oss said, “It was just a matter of time before our energy policy began harming extraterrestrials. This was bound to happen after some of our union members were contracted out to Accenture. The only way to fix this is to give my union a monopoly on all power — and I do mean absolutely all power.”
Garlee, Joy, Dillis and Rair agreed. “COPE 378 electricity is so much nicer than that horrible independent stuff,” they sang in unison. “It doesn’t harm bats, fish, octopi or aliens from outer space. It even smells sweeter.”
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